LOG 5 - 5/2/2023
Too many thoughts
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I've been thinking a lot today.................. I wonder would things have been different if the past changed a lot?
I mean, what if my dad's company hasn't gone bankrupt? Would we been able to stay in our old home? I would've stay in my old school too. It was nice. If the past would stay the same and nothing changes, I would've been very different I think. I wouldn't become a NEET doing nothing but writing bunch of html tags. I wouldn't have become socially awkward and too shy. I could have a lot of friends you know. I wouldn't be too addicted to the internet and maybe drawing?

I used to draw to escape whatever is happening with my life. To run away from overthinking about certain things. But sometime I draw too much I forgot to do "normal" things? Sometime I would forgot to say hi to my friends or reply their messages. Then I realized about it and wouldn't talk to them again because i'm too embarassed. If things were different back then, would I have become different? I was good at english, maybe I could be some sort of translator. Maybe back then if things hadn't changes, my family wouldn't have be so stressed. Maybe then my brother wouldn't become a shut in and stay away from all of us. Maybe then I could talk to my family like a normal person and hadn't stay behind all the time. Maybe then I wouldn't have become so lonely?

Things change a lot and i'm very scared of it. But I also like changes, I want new things.
But I don't know how to handle changes. And I wish someone would tell me.

I want someone to be there for me to guide me through this life. Like, a parent. But I do have one. Yet I can't never see them as one. They provide me foods and home so I guess thats enough, maybe I shouldn't ask too many.

If things hasn't changes back then, maybe my parent wouldn't fight. I don't have to hear my mom rambling on about how dad is eh bad stuff I guess. Maybe then, my parents wouldn't hit me, or I wouldn't fight and hit my sibling too much when I was a kid. Maybe then, I could've been a normal child. Maybe then, I wouldn't have to change school every years. Maybe I could've had normal friend group. Maybe I wouldn't be too reclusive.

But would things change this much because of a minor things? Would I still become like this even if things hasn't changed back then? I can't recognize who I were in the past. It just doesn't seem like me at all. But then, I'm just a child and still am to this day.

I said that i'm afraid of being lonely but I look forward to the future where I can have my own home. Somewhere far away. All alone.

Should I be afraid of the future? Or embrace it? What am I supposed to do now to changes the future? Man i'm hungry I want to buy baskin robbins cake for once........

This feels weird

LOG 4 - 3/2/2023
Just finished Dorohedoro!
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I FINALLY FINISHED READING DOROHEDORO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 FINALLY FREE FROM THE PAIN OF HAVING TO GO THROUGH COUNTLESS ADS TO READ THE FUCKING MANGA!!!!!! To be fair i'm pirating so..... LOL I do wish to buy the manga someday!!!!! THE FUCKING ART IS SOOOO *CHEF KISS CHEF KISS CHEF KISS*
It's so.. :heart heart: I really need to make favourites section soon so I could include Dorohedoro!!!!!!!!! I want to consume the art style and make it my own................................

I did kinda speedread it so I did get a little... confused? I remembered one of the character Kai? Who? Who are they? I know that Kai is another person "inside"(?) Hole-kun but eh................ Are they Aikawa or did I get attacked by the reading comprehension devil again? I'll need to re-read the manga slowly again to actually form my opinion on it lol. But I did really enjoy it! I love the world-building and the characters!!!!!!!!!

Kinda hard to choose a favourite character because I like all of them equally (kinda? idk) But it's probably Turkey LMAO. I thought her design is... cute......... Idk why but I like it when a character wear apron or mitten... Also the reveal at the end is literally unexpected,, no fucking way a trans character in my manga!!??? No way!!!!! Also its really funny because I learn about it from fucking-twitter... Damn you twitter recommendation for spoiling me!!!!!!! FUck you and thank you!!!!!!!!!
The others would probably be: Haru (love her design & shes so silly), Haze (I love crazy doctor, also has a devil wife which is very cute), Asu/his non-demon name I forgot (I dont know hes kinda cute...), Risu & Aikawa... (I love their brotp so much.... I want to see them more :heartbroken:) and others I probably forgot

I also love the worldbuilding even though I have a lot of questions.... I really like the apocalypse-ish feeling. Man i'm a huge sucker for apocalypse..... Genuinely inspired me to try making my own comics! Probably would take a long time to actually do it though. I have no concrete storyline, it keeps changing everytime I has an idea and I didn't write them down so I forgot!!!! fuckkkkkkkkk a bad habit. I kinda wish there would be angels.. the opposite of devil because it'd be cool to see the mangaka's interpretation of angels. Sad to see the manga ends, when it could have moooore! But eh i'm not complaning, I like it everyone gets a good ending lol

Oh right, Dorohedoro actually inspired me to make new layout (i'm working on it rn you can see it on homepage, there should be a link. Unless you're from the future then uh) I've been thinking of doing fanpages too mhmmmmm........... Looks fun........................

LOG 3 - 1/2/2023
I wish I werw a bird man
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I have always been thinking about becoming a man since I was like 11-13? I love short hair and I genuinely dislike some skirt. ESPECIALLY the tight skirt one worn by women flight attendant. Eugh urgh augh it look so uncomfortable. I'm fine if they wore it because they like it but the fact that its a part of the dress code? Blrugh... Big poofy dresses are absolute favourite.....

I noticed that ever since I hit puberty and my body grow a lot, it look so weird. When I look at the mirror, I look fucking hot!!!!!1 (the face i mean) I look so fucking swagger in short-medium hair but then I look down and it uh. Why... WHY IS MY TITS HUMONGOUS??? ITS NOT THAT BIG BUT STILL, I THOUGHT I WAS FLAT CHESTED. It look so strange. My body looks like it belong to someone else. I DONT LIKE BIG TITS ON ME UGHHHHHHHHH. I'm not even tall or huge so I can't even become like Noi :heartbroken:

And also,,,,, I've watched the klaus a while ago, I LOVE it. The animation, characters, art style JUST MUAH MUAH PERFECTION. I FUCKING LOVE 2D ANIMATED MOVIE!!!!!!!!! One of the character, Mogens, look absolutely swagger. I really wish I could have his cool hat and his, I don't know what you would call it, side beard??? I like his hat.. I dont really like him (as in, like he's hot or something) But man something about that man gives me like, gender dysphoria? I don't know if this feeling is dysphoria or its just desire to look like other people's.

Too bad though. I could NEVER become a man (even with today's science/treatment) because my family are well- very religious and we live in a very... religious country and...... If someone caught you being part of lgbt+ you could- be dead. Seriously. Thrown to jail or whipped until death (thats what I used to read in a news article once as a kid. Completely scared) Thaaaankfully they (my family) will never find this log and will never read it till the end, or anyone will really (the best part about having log book online) I could talk about anything. I still prefer to keep my gender and pronouns vague or "hidden" right now though.

It/its pronoun feels so good when used on me..... Depends though. I like it when people talk about me to other people using it/its pronouns like i'm just a little critter that lurks around the internet................. You know how in Deltarune the knight were referred with it/its? YEahhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's it baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. DO I seem like a strange critter though

Back to the original topic: I would've look so fucking sexy!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 as a man!!!!!!!!!! but nope! God said I would be too powerful and nerfed me by making me the opposite and gave me humongous booba.. booba boobie!! boobily!!!!!!! bababababa boobie!!!!!! vboobs!!!!n ffuskkkkkkking boobs..... damn you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! augh

- signed, sincerelyt murmru... murmur...

LOG 2 - 31/1/2023
Another testing..
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Glorpy
Lifke if you agee!!!!!!!!!! Are you flglorpy too?share with friend if you can relate!

LOG 1 - 31/1/2023
Hewwo worwd...... :3
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Mmai fiwst evah log!! Apple (That's one of webmaster's name) saw that hooman always titwe there fiwst bwog as 'hewwo worwd!!' Apple wanna jwoin too.... :3

VENT ENTRY 2 - 3/2/2023
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Lately there' this weird feeling I feel in my heart. It's really unpleaseeant unpleasant, like my heart is stabbing itself...... I don;t know how to explain it but it make me feel very uneasy and uncomfortable. Its also a little bit of uncomfortable to breathes too, it felt like my brain wants me to stop breathing or something.. Then I get this awful feeling. It just it felt like I NEED to die. Or that my brain suddenly reminds me about the future.

Seeing what i'm doing right now.. Absent from school, not employed, no friends to talk to, and just. Rotting away in my parent's house fucking sucks. I genuinely doesn't see a bright future for me. I can't stop thinking about horrible thing that might happen to me, and two of them are being homeless and starving to death/beaten up/burned alive (some people- or teenager- fucking sucks toward homeless people) and one more is me losing all interest in what I do now. Art majorly. And the fact that I've been distancing myself from drawing for a while just.. make me so anxious. I wouldn't be suprised if I could look into the future and saw myself commiting suicide honestly.

I couldn never talk to anyone about this to anyone.. I don't really have any close friend -and even if I do, I probably will bottle it up because i'm afraid they will think weird of it, trust issue am i rite- my family members refuse to believe any of us could have any mental illness for some fucking reason (because it will hurt the family's good name? idk) And hell, why would any of them hear it? Not like they ever care, it's not like I HAVE hear of their problem and judging how they act, I bet they would try to make it a competition and say that they're having it worse or say everyone has depression and doesn't give any advice at all. What a joke.

Looking at it, I probably would have to bottle it up until one day my heart just decide to break the bottles and stab itself and bled to death. Seriosuly it suck I dont like this unpleasant uneasy weird feelings im having right now it feel so weird
god..., future me please, im begging, get rid of these feelings.

I love drawing. I love living. But something, I dont know what it is, just something- is making me feel awful. Is it loneliness? I dont know.. I genuinely dont know.

I've been feeeling very weak lately, I've always been weak but for some reason, since the pandemic, it became worse. I have very little motivation and its just. awful.. I got no energy to even shower anymore and I cant even tell my family about it because theyll say im lazy. Seriously. am i lazy or whatvervr the fuck is this supposed tobe? Depression? No way.......

VENT ENTRY 1 - 31/1/2023
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Oh man seriously. I wasted another fucking day doing nothing but laying down and watching tv. I'm waiting for that damn juicy creative juice to come back but the time is ticking... and people's patience probably has limit.. My brain start to give some dumbfuck solution like going inactive and make new account so no one knew it was me. (after all, I didnt really talk to anyone so nobody really know me or will remember me or miss me)
Fucking hell man! I cant just keep running away dfucking idiot! You cant just run just because youre nobody you always do this every year back then. I miss my old friends. But oh well. It's not like I can blame anyone other than my stupid ass.

And i'll admit some real embarassing shit here: I use to think I have DID. Yea yea, im also laughing because what the fuck? I didn't even suffer a horrible trauma during the time my brain is undeveloped. (aside from some uh, bad moments I dont want to remember about.) My brain like to thinks that there is "other me" inside my brain but really. im just a delusional loser who's way too lonely. Are they just imaginary friends? Or some made up "people" i made? Or did I "make" them because i have no one to talk to?

Seriously, its all came down to me I was shy since im young, I try not to act weird but instead it made me look even weirder, I try not to reveal too much about myself but it end up making people think i'm selfish arrogant who doesn't want to talk to people. I'm just afraid if people know about the true me. Will they think im a weirdo with weird interest? Will they mock me? Even when I had a good friends group, it was never true. They never really like me, they pity me. They talk shit behind my back and me as a child back then knew. I knew. But I don't want to assume the worst. So I just put those thoughts away. But in the end, I was truly alone.

Since I knew the truth I just lost ALL self-confidence I never knew I had. I had no one to talk about my problem too either way. Because I don't want them to think i'm weird or invalidate my feelings or i'm afraid I cant return the favour back and became a bad friend. I left them without any words, its only normal for them to, I guess, hate me or leave. Now I had this repeating thoughts that I CAN'T never be a good friend and NO ONE is my "true" friend because I am convinced that I am truly unlovable.
I know im not unlovable. i know there is something about me to love. But my brain has rotten.

Or maybe you know, im being dramatic LOL